My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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