I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
