I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
