Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
