I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize