well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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