I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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