I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
