I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
