I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
