vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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