dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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