Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Shame is for Republicans.
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