u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
