We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
