So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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