You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
