A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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