theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
