you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
