I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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