I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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