Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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