My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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