and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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