Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
