I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
