Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
