Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
