hotel room ftw
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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