Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
