oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
