I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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