I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize