...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
