I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
