I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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