your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
