The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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