Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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