It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
