the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
