I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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