So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
