you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
