i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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