I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
