filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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