There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
