If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Will exercising make me less horny?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
