shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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