just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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