you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize