i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
