Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
