I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
