I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
