it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
