I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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