Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
