I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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