I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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